Ghost Touches

I can still feel the pressure of your hand

holding,

caressing,

teasing…

The places your lips fell burn on in

my memory,

my skin,

my thoughts…

I can still smell your oh-so-unique scent on

my pillow,

my clothes,

my skin…

The ghosts of your touch, your lips, your scent

haunt me as I go through my day

twine into my dreams

and shield me from darks

I can still feel my

fingers running through silky hair

teeth grazing your sensitive neck

and legs straddling of your hips

The power we have over each other

chases me through the day

now if only we had the power

to make it to the opportune moment

Imagine

Close your eyes.

Imagine

the perfect body.

Everything you could ever want in another:

same height, same weight, and all her curves

in all the right places.

Two perfect little handfuls,

tug-able hair and hips I just want to pull close.

I can see my fingers running through her hair,

tracing her lips

to neck

to color bone

to cleavage

to ribs

to hips

to thighs

to knees

to calves

to two cute feet.

I can see the kisses trail I make

back up the way I just came down

(except to course some brief side trips to

secret ‘hot’ spots and trigger points).

I worship this body, love it and

learn it’s sacred bits.

But when I go to kiss her,

all I feel is

you.

Your heart pumping,

body shaking,

panty wetting,

breath taking,

kiss.

confusion

fear

annoyance

fatigue

avoidance

resignation

and so many thoughts

coursing through me

tangling in upon one another

over and over and over and over

what to do?

what to do?

what to do?

Head, Heart or Gut?

I do not know if

My mind

My heart

Or my gut

Is telling me

Warning me

Whispering

That this is a bad idea

If it’s my head...

Then I may be

over-thinking

worrying too much

and ignoring my heart

If it’s my heart...

Then I may be

scared of being hurt again

wary of trusting my heart to another

and unsure of if this is worth the hurt

But if its my gut

then I’m screwed

this is doomed

and I should stop it now

But how in the world

am I supposed to know the

difference!?

A Letter

Dear You,

Yes, you. You intoxicating,

thrilling, and destructive thing you.

We need to talk.

I don’t know if it’s because of lack of time

lack of space in my brain

or lack of something else.

But I didn’t really think of you for a whole day

and I was proud.

And then I was ashamed. Ashamed of the pride. Because

why in the world should not thinking

of you be a thing for pride?

When did you highjack my mind, thoughts and body?

Why can you pull me in with just your presence?

Why can I not control myself? My heart double timed

when I saw you were here. And my eyes constantly search

when I am somewhere you should be.

It’s exhausting, scary, and confusing as fuck.

When I don’t see you, you aren’t the constant presence

in the back of my mind.

I am (momentarily) free

without even realizing it.

And then you are there, in my heart and my mind,

your grip so tight that I’m still thinking of you

six hours later

It fucks with me, this grip you have

over my heart (beating so fast when I catch a glimpes of you)

my mind (wanting to poke you, steal your hat,

to frame your face and kiss you)

my body (I can still feel your lips on mine, weeks after)

I thought the grip was loosening,

but no. It’s just as strong as ever

and I’m just as confused as ever.

How (and why) do you make me feel this way?

When the thought of guys (and things with guys)

unnerves me to no end.

What give you the right?

Honestly,

Yours truly

The Flame

My love is like a temptress,

a light shining bright,

and I the moth

drawn intoxicatedlly toward it

knowing full well the light

is

death

and

yet

uncaring

The Ledge

The ground shifts under my feet and I pause, taking a breath

an attempt to halt panic in it’s steps.

the ledge is narrow,

wide enough for my foot

millimeters on the side

Small margin of mistake

It takes all my concentration to stay here, a

if that’s the case, how can I enjoy it?

Enjoy the view

So high, so up

so good

Instead of the dark

the valley

the hole

that is my usual surroundings

Concentration lapses

toes curl to grip the ground

fingers splay to catch something

anything

No use

Back were I’ve started

Takes so much to just grab on something

and pull myself off my fat ass

onto my feet

And so much more

to gather myself and start again

Because that brief glimpse

of sky

of clouds

of sun

of life

is magnetic.

The going is slow, laborious, arduous

and every inch is painstakingly won

with tears and sweat.

Often I fall back,

landing on hard ground

unforgiving and

unrelenting

and it’s harder to

get back up

every

time

I

hit

the

ground

I sit on the ground,

slowly sinking

farther into the black

only to look up;

see a hand

of a friend

of a roommate

of complete stranger

grasp it

stand up

try again

With help

and because

that ever so brief glimpse

of sky

of clouds

of sun

of life

is magnetic.

Change the World

I want to

DO

so much.

I want to change the world.

And I think we can do it

I have so many things

I want to change.

So many things I want to accomplish:

make the world a better place

have it legal for me to marry whomever I fall for

increase world literacy

decrease world suck

create some amazing light designs.

Is that so hard to ask?

But I can’t

not without help,

not without friends

not without fixing myself.

I will be of no use to anyone

if I can’t fix my brain.

If I can’t re-tune the receiver

re-wire the hardware

and fix me.

no more sudden mood shifts

no more falling off the narrow ledge

no more despair so heavy I can’t function

no more being a burden

no more teasing words

no more changeability

maybe.

But

what

do

I

do,

if

I

fail?